Opening up about myself..

Maybe I'm just weird, I mean I feel like what I'm about to say is strange. So here goes! Okay so I'm not a person that likes to have help with things in my life I mean I know at some point everyone needs help and I'm okay with that but I hate to have to have help.. My step-grandmother is very old fashioned and very wealthy and if you fail to say thank you or to send a thank you card you WILL NOT get anything else from her. I completely understand and I think that it makes sense, the reason I brought that up was because every Christmas it takes me like 5-10 minutes and lots of mental building myself up to get up and say thank you to everyone for my presents. I don't mind saying thank you though, part of me wonders about the attention, someone giving you attention and I'm not a fan of that. Then part of me wonders if there isn't some sort of vulnerability to saying thank you because when you say thank you in SOME circumstances a thank you is validation that someone has done something for you.

So my parents are getting a loan for me to get a different car and after we found one that is really really nice and extremely low mileage that I really really love they wanted me to sit down and talk to them about my monthly payments nd such. We talked but I hate sitting down and having a one on one discussion with them and I think again that plays into the attention thing again. So anyways we discussed it and they went to bed as did I. Then this morning my mom said that I seemed like I could care less last night and seemed unappreciative.. I hate that is how they felt but I know as we all sat there last night I was running words through my head about how to tell them thank you and that I appreciated their help. So anyways Its very strange for me with a constant battle in my head about getting the guts up to say thank you. Ugh I hate that it isn't easier, it just seems that at the end of the day saying thank you or telling someone you appreciate can make you feel vulnerable, I hate vulnerability and I hate needing help.. Ugh I wish I could change that about myself.

I hope after reading this you don't think I'm a brat or unappreciative, I always say thank you even if I have to work up the courage.. I promise I'm very polite, thankful and appreciative.